Use your eyes, tickle the truth free, and hum the theme tune. Or just work out the opposite of those things instead. Do no share, and do not enjoy.

This is the news. Or at least the opposite of some of the element of the news – all in a special themed edition of the most pointless of podcasts. Do no share, and do not enjoy.

Fill a sick bag. Shoot an arrow at it. Post it all on Twitter. Orrrrrr … just work out the opposite of it all instead. That’s much more fun. Do not share. And do not enjoy.

Why are you dipping that Sherbert Lemon in your posset? WTF? I mean, what’s the opposite of that anyway? Do not share, and do not enjoy.

Parumpahpumpum and all that. Let’s work out the festive opposites of stuffing, baubles, and the very meaning of Christmas itself. Do not share, and do not enjoy.

We’re going to the country, gonna eat a lot of … well, nectarines. While we read the phone book. And do something else with gas. Breathe maybe. Or at least, the opposite of all that anyway. Do not share, and...

I mean, who pets a poodle, while flossing and doing Wordle? No-one. That’s who. But there are people who will take their time to work out the opposite of those things. Those people are us. Do not share, and do...

You’re reading Miss Marple, under the shade of the leaves, when you hear the chirrup of your notifications. You check your phone, and you see there’s a new episode of this podcast, wherein we work out the opposite of all...

Ever eaten Baba Ghanoush while brushing a panda? Of course not, that would be ludicrous. So, what’s the opposite of all that? Find out, in your ears. Do no share, and do not enjoy.

It all gets even more silly than normal this week, as we work out the opposite of a toaster, the opposite of a noise, and the opposite of Ghostbusters. Do not share, and do not enjoy.